


To Save a Solo

by silverjewelkitten



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII The Last Jedi, The Last Jedi
Genre: F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Longing, help me, im still shaking after three times watching this film
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-24 04:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13206303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverjewelkitten/pseuds/silverjewelkitten
Summary: The force bond lingers past Snoke's death, and Rey and Ben find it harder and harder to ignore the pull towards each other. Light, dark and something in between--balance.





	1. Chapter 1

The memory of Ben’s betrayal felt fresh and raw, like a festering open wound. She’d foolishly believed that she had the power to change his heart. She’d felt something from him, or at least she thought she had. Maybe she felt something for him and had simply transferred her own feelings onto a false idea of what she wanted him to be, what she longed for him to become. 

Perhaps it was a sense of belonging at having finally, finally being accepted and understood. She had been a fool, and yet, she still ached as she closed the hangar door on him, ignoring their force connection as the resistance made their escape aboard the Falcon. In some ways, Snoke had been right. She was unwise to seek belonging in someone as lost as Ben Solo. She had seized the opportunity to connect with him, and had suffered for it. 

She had felt something from him, however, and for that reason alone, it seemed worth it. Betrayal and disappointment was better than being alone. She wanted to know her place in the universe, the force, and whether there was a home for her, broken as she was. He had offered her a place at his side, and upon this offer, she realized she already knew where she belonged and what she believed in. But it didn’t stop her from feeling pain and loneliness anew at having rejected and lost him again. It didn’t stop her from wanting to be with him—from wanting to help light his way out of the darkness. 

She had felt the pull to the dark side of the force then, as he extended his hand to her, begged her to join his mission. She had considered it for a fleeting moment, and desired his companionship, but thought to her friends, the scattered remnants of the resistance. Finn, her first friend who had helped her discover the light. Leia, whose mere presence seemed to fill the void left by parents who didn’t want her. 

Anger and betrayal and hurt lead to the dark side, she knew, and yet she felt them all the same. Anger at the years spent waiting for a family that would never come back. Betrayal at being left behind to fend for herself in a hellish landscape without a home and with only the whisper of a hope for a brighter future. Hurt at having finally found a connection to someone who could understand her, and being left wanting yet again. 

Ben had killed Han Solo. He had murdered women and children and destroyed worlds. And she knew, in her heart of hearts, that it wasn’t her job to save him. It wasn’t her responsibility to set herself aflame to light his path, and yet, she felt that she had failed him. She could clearly see the hurt in his eyes as she called for his saber, the anger and disappointment. Maybe he had felt belonging with her too, but he had chosen a path of death and destruction, which she could not follow. 

And still. Still she burned with the thought of his eyes, and the pleading timbre of his voice. Still she agonized over having lost him, ever deeper into his path of rage and hatred. She didn’t regret the choice she made, as her friends were alive and whole for it, and the flicker of hope still shone in the Galaxy. It didn’t stop her from missing him. 

She knew the bond was still active, and despite wanting to know the answer as to why, her mind buzzing with questions, she couldn’t bring herself to speak to him when he appeared. 

“Where are you?” he asked her, knowing full well that she wouldn’t respond and give away the location of the resistance. His voice was deep and full of purpose, with barely controlled fury. She met his eyes for the briefest moment, and wished desperately for him to put back on the mask from when they first met. If she could pretend he was just the enemy, just the murderous Kylo Ren, then maybe she could move past him. Maybe she could let him go. If Ben Solo was lost, then Kylo be damned. 

It had been weeks since she spoke to him, even though his presence made itself known often, and without warning. She knew she would lose her resolve and talk to him again. She could feel her walls crumbling even now, when he watched her with hate filled eyes. Her lip quivered, and she couldn’t bring herself to look at him anymore. “I wanted to help you.” 

The force was cruel sometimes, and their connection faded before he could respond, and all she saw was his lips forming words that she couldn’t hear before he was gone. 

That night, as she ate dinner amongst Finn, Rose, Poe, Leia, and the members of the resistance whose names and stories she did not know, she tried to ignore the prickling in her mind that his lips had formed ‘I’m sorry’.

She went to sleep by the fire, leaned against Finn’s shoulder, her dearest friend, and still felt cold, like she was mourning. 

When next she saw him, she was training, swinging around her staff and launching herself at Finn, honing her combat skills. He had fallen when she slid her leg underneath him, and both were taken with riotous laughter. 

She spared a glance in the direction of the fizzling energy she felt. Ben’s hands were folded under his chin, and he looked thinner. There was the ghost of some unreadable expression on his face. 

She wiped sweat off her brow and offered a hand to Finn, pulling him from the ground. “I’m going to stay a bit longer and meditate, but thank you for sparring with me, Finn.” She felt uncomfortable, like she was committing a terrible sin by keeping this from him, but she ushered Finn away nonetheless. 

“Your form has improved.” Ben commented, once Finn had left, and Rey was sitting across from him on the ground. Rey balked under his attention, positive though it may be, and tried to ignore the fluttering in her chest. “Although you still need a teacher.”

“I had a teacher, but he’s gone.” She bit back. Ben didn’t flinch, but there was something different in the way he held himself now, something like regret. “He died to save us. I’m proud to have been trained by Master Skywalker.” She felt that familiar sense of peace again, the reassuring tug of the light that she’d felt as Luke had faded away. 

Ben could try and hide things from her, she knew, but in these quiet moments, he felt honest and true. “I’ve been seeing him.”

Surprise and jealousy surged through her. “What do you mean?” Her hands itched to hold something, to fidget, to squeeze. He was gone, and with her limited knowledge of the force, she desired to ask him questions but was forever unable to. 

“He beckons me to the light. To you.” Her eyes widened and she had to bite her lip to keep from reaching out to him. 

“It’s not too late for you.” She murmured as the connection faded, unsure as to whether or not she believed it herself. She was left with the stinging image of his dark-rimmed eyes, and the sense that something fundamental had changed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The force is cruel, and Ben struggles to accept the things he cannot change.

There was some comfort in seeing her again, and discovering, without doubt that the words of his master had been false. Theirs was a bond that preceded and transcended Snoke, but he was stuck with the niggling fear that it might someday fade. He felt some new sort of terror when he thought too long on that possibility. 

She had wedged her way into his life in a visceral, indecipherable way. She had become part of him, and he knew that despite his rage towards her for abandoning him and rejecting the forever he offered, he would be unable to sever this bond willingly, if he could even figure out how. It was a liability, and a curse. 

And yet. And yet, there was something desirous about the familiar warmth of her presence. With her came the splintering feeling. The schism of mind and soul. The dreaded pull towards his abandoned self. And, oh, those eyes. How they burned with passion and a resolve to drive out the darkness. 

She’d ignored him, but he could feel in the way the force shifted and swayed that she was conflicted. She’d wanted to help him. He was lost and confused, she thought. But he’d never felt so driven, so full of purpose. She was his mission, before...To corrupt and seduce her to the raw power and control that could be offered by the darkness. He grew tired of this endless push-pull, however, and worked to convince himself that he hated her. She had chosen the light and her pitiful friends over everything he could have given her. 

Rage and bitterness and jealousy surged through him. His tongue abandoned the control he believed he had and showed weakness by apologizing to her. “I’m sorry.” Perhaps she hadn’t heard. He shook his head, knowing he was only lying to himself. 

As she faded away, he noticed again the burden of his newly acquired shadow. Skywalker rarely spoke to him, but his eyes were full of judgment and a disappointed glare he had no right to possess. “Leave me.” He growled, throwing whatever was in reach towards the shadowy visage of his former teacher. Luke, blessedly Disappeared, and Ben was left alone with his warring thoughts. 

Rey came to him again a week later, and for the first time since she left Crait, she spoke first. “Leia is dying. As her son, I think you should know.” Her eyes were clear and glassy. 

A gasping breath stole its way out of his lungs. He searched out his mother’s energy in the force, feeling it wane and weaken, knowing her words to be true. His eyes were too expressive, and he wished for his mask to hide them from her. He steeled himself, willing his voice to steady before he responded. His instincts told him to push her away, to evade and avoid the things he couldn’t accept. “The resistance won’t survive without her.” 

Rey clenched her fists and a tear slipped from her eye. “Heartless bastard! Do you really feel nothing for her?” 

His eyes watered and his mouth went dry. That irritating tug, the splintering feeling flared again and if he weren’t already sitting, he might collapse with the weight of it. “Nothing.” 

It was no surprise to hear her voice crack on the word “Liar.” Her eyes seemed to harden and her posture changed, like some frightened animal, presented with a predator. She was afraid of him. Afraid to known that he was capable of denying his attachments and the love they cultivated. 

“You’re right.” Damn her. Damn those eyes. He could feel her trembling, and he was unsure whether the pain was his or hers. His mother was dying. His last tie to the man he might have been was fading, and the last soul who cared was denouncing him. He deserved it. 

She was right. He felt petty and childish. The power, though consuming, was empty and unsustainable. But the moments he had experienced with his mother seemed far away, and so, so important. They would soon be dust, like his father. 

She softened then, and something like hope shone in her glistening eyes. “I wish I could trust you. If not for me, for her sake.” He squeezed his eyes shut, and she faded from him. 

Hux discovered him not long after, and Ben had strewn him across the room for having the audacity to interrupt his quiet. He was unbalanced, untethered, and finding it more and more difficult to hold onto the darkness he had so long called home. 

Being Supreme Leader came with unexpected, unwanted responsibilities, and as his inner conflict grew, his control of the force weakened. There was a calm with her. A pull, perhaps, but miraculously, a balance. Skywalker hovered around him like a shroud. “Ask her.” He said, cryptically, leaving Ben to ponder what he meant. 

Upon their next meeting, he began to see the vague wisps of the world around her, gray echoes of where she might be. Dangerous, he knew, for if he could see her surroundings , it was likely that she could see his. His plans could be revealed and spoiled before ever reaching fruition. “Rey.” He spoke, softer than he’d intended. “I’d like to see my mother.”

He continued to feel the fluctuations of the force, almost as if his mother’s every breath caused it to ebb and flow. And whatever illness had taken her, it had nearly reached its end. “She won’t be able to see you, will she? Not unless we touch.”  


Ben shook his head. “Perhaps that’s for the best. Forget it.” Rey shook her head firmly and reached towards him. He appeared conflicted and hesitated to reach back towards her. 

“I’ll take you to her.” And when their hands touched, she saw the glimpse of what he could become, and realized altogether how big a step he was taking. He was choosing compassion over anger, over resentment for past wrongs. 

Leia’s eyes were weak, but when they landed on her son, they seemed to brighten with hope. “Ben.” She murmured, attempting to sit up, but being overwhelmed with coughing. 

Rey felt like an intruder on a private scene, but knew this connection only worked if she continued to touch him. “Mother.” He responded, feeling shaky and uncertain. All at once the scene faded from him, and the comforting warmth of Rey’s hand disappeared. 

He sent his fist through the nearest wall until his fingers bled. By the time the force connected them again, his mother had passed, and the emptiness left in her wake was almost tangible. Ben felt grief through the force, through their bond, and for the first time in many years, allowed tears to fall. The light couldn't save his mother, and the darkness beckoned like a lover. Power. Power. Power.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reeling with Leia's death, Rey and Ben are pulled to opposing sides again. Rey doesn't give up.

Illusion and pretense faded away, and the gaping maw left in Leia’s absence tore him asunder. Meanwhile, the resistance fell under new leadership, and Rey craved for an end to the war. Poe tried to lead in a way that would make Leia proud, and frequently sought guidance from Rey. Without the full extent of the Jedi knowledge, she floundered for what wisdom to impart to her friends and comrades, even with the texts, recently read, swimming in her mind. The Jedi had been fallible, without question, and the deeper she delved into the history of those teaching, the more she believed Luke to be right. The Jedi didn't serve their purpose correctly, and the Galaxy had paid for their hubris. 

Rey thought to Ben and wondered if they were ever meant to be in the roles that had been thrust upon them.

Across the Galaxy, the bond flared.

Kylo Ren’s orders were irrational, and the First Order became increasingly aware of his lack of his experience in this, with his wasteful use of resources and his lack of calm when delegating duties. 

Ben, the scattered bits of him, receded inside his heart, which hardened and grew colder. As his resolve towards the darkness strengthened, the bond he shared with Rey seemed to fade, the force responding in kind to the polarizing impact of his mother’s death. Rey had been pulled more firmly to the light, and he to the darkness. 

The resistance gained allies in the outer rim, for their firm stance against slavery, and thousands joined their cause. There were plans for a new Republic, with democratically approved officials and a system of checks and balances to limit power to any one person or system. The First Order was powerless to stop the spinning wheels of fate. 

Kylo Ren ruthlessly trained and sought guidance from Vader, while Ben crumbled and sought out the fizzling remnants of his bond with Rey. The two sides of him battled endlessly. 

Rey saw less and less of him. When she did, she could make out the outlines of his cheeks in his gaunt, hollow face. His eyes were dark and rimmed with red, like someone who hadn’t slept in days. He probably hadn’t. 

Luke tormented him, and despite his desire to see her, Leia did not. He wandered the corridors of the freighter, lonely and desperate to sleep, and thought of Rey, and how similar they really were. He was unhinged, unbalanced, and dangerous. 

 

General Hux had been a thorn in his side for too long, a burden, unwanted, but now, though his betrayal was not a surprise, the manner in which his assassination plot unfolded felt intentional and targeted, like he’d known the complexities of Ben’s relationship to Luke. 

He came to him in his sleep, as he rested for the first time in what felt like weeks. In his dream that night, Rey had been there, reminding him of her presence like some incessant itch. She’d screamed his name, and reached forwards, her open palm colliding with his face, jarring him awake. As his ears echoed and his cheek stung, he could hear her final words through the bond, “Wake up!”

Above him was the General, armed with a blaster, a resistance model. As he stumbled awake, his hand called for his saber but it didn’t come, so stricken with panic and fear. Ben saw Hux’s thoughts briefly, his plan to rid himself of the Supreme Leader in his sleep, planting the seed for further hatred of the resistance by framing them for the murder. This would cement his command. Kylo Ren knew logically that it would never play out like he’d planned—he had no sympathy from the First Order and more than likely they would rejoice at his passing. 

Ben, however, was trapped in a loop of that night. His trusted master angling his weapon to strike him down as he slept, frightened and alone. Somehow, Hux had not fired yet. 

“Ben!” she called through the bond, still dreamy and out of focus, and suddenly she was there, kneeling in front of him, but so, so far away. “If you die now, that’s the end.” Hux stood frozen, blaster poised to shoot him, but continued to stand motionless. Rey was doing this. “This is your chance to escape. Come to the light. I can help you.“

She’d said that before. He’d rejected it then, but now... She faded from him and everything happened quickly. Hux took a breath and moved his finger over the trigger. Ben’s light saber came to him now, and with one fell swoop, Hux’s form crumpled to the ground. Soon, guards would arrive, and his chance would be gone. 

He slipped unnoticed through the ranks at this late hour, leaving everything besides the clothes on his back and his lightsaber. His cloak thrown over his head, he sat behind the controls of a TIE fighter, and flew away without destination. 

Through the bond, Rey felt something shift. As she awoke, she felt tears on her cheek, though couldn’t tell entirely if they were her own. 

News of his defection spread quickly, and though Rey felt at peace like she hadn’t since being cast into this war, she was also afraid. He hadn’t contacted her through the bond. Neither could really control it, but since that night, there had been nothing. 

Had Leia been there, with her seemingly infinite wells of wisdom, perhaps she would have asked her what his disappearance could mean. Leia was gone, however, and though she could feel her comforting warmth in the force, Ben was absent. She reached out tentatively with the force, searching for him, feeling the ebbs and flows of the energy around her. As untrained as her mind was, she couldn’t go far, and quickly had to retreat back to herself, panting and exhausted from the experience. 

Far away, Ben agonized over his choices, and warred with his persona. He felt her call out into the force, but ignored it, knowing himself not to be worthy of her help or her kindness. But she had saved him. And he would work tirelessly to become the type of person who deserved it.


End file.
